Family update - kind of...
We're getting our feet reestablished with schooling. It's been a minor struggle but we will survive.
DH was blessed to become the Assistant ScoutMaster for our local Boy Scout Troop. It's given him purpose to work with the kids and I have to say it's doing wonders all the way around. They've all taken to each other well and the ScoutMaster for our group is also a TBI/PSTD disabled vet, so they have a TON in common. :) The Den Leader is his wife so her and I have become battle buddies of sorts and I am grateful for her wisdom, laughter, and good spirit daily.
The knee is slowly recovering, life is still a rampant run where I'm chasing the cut loose carriage with my life still on it. I tried to get some downtime for respite last month but have returned home to a disaster of near epic proportions. As with all things in life, this too shall pass.
Someday I will be more than just a housewife struggling to get dinner on the table to a twice exceptional child and a disabled veteran husband but for now, I'm off to finish making spaghetti sauce, salsa, and applesauce to can. :)
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Minor Rant
My heart is heavy and my head is sore...yet still I rage on.
Schooling? Well, that's been sitting on a side burner with the "summer excuse" despite the fact that we're normally a "year round" family.
DH? That's yet another mess I have yet to wrap my head around that's causing schooling to fall to the wayside. I need to get him better again before I lose my mind.
I'm quickly coming to realization that many of my dreams are likely not going to be coming true in the near future. My plans to leave here in 3 years when we arrived are officially shattered. The goal of having a renewal of vows for our 10th wedding anniversary in 2 years is also flying out the window as I watch DH's health deteriorate before my eyes.
So many dreams...childish dreams really...and there they all go. I'm not sure if we will ever be able to tour on his Harley with his injured knee. It's definitely looking like we will not be dancing beneath the stars on our anniversary anytime soon...he can barely walk much the less dance. Vacations, travel, and fun seem to be seeping out of my life while I fight to keep us all in the game.
When will it end? Why every day do I hear the echo in my head of my in-laws, "This is all YOUR fault!"? How much guilt am I supposed to feel for wanting to have a normal life? And when does it end? How do I get through this? How do I manage to keep the world spinning? Why does it all fall on MY shoulders? What did I ever do?
Schooling? Well, that's been sitting on a side burner with the "summer excuse" despite the fact that we're normally a "year round" family.
DH? That's yet another mess I have yet to wrap my head around that's causing schooling to fall to the wayside. I need to get him better again before I lose my mind.
I'm quickly coming to realization that many of my dreams are likely not going to be coming true in the near future. My plans to leave here in 3 years when we arrived are officially shattered. The goal of having a renewal of vows for our 10th wedding anniversary in 2 years is also flying out the window as I watch DH's health deteriorate before my eyes.
So many dreams...childish dreams really...and there they all go. I'm not sure if we will ever be able to tour on his Harley with his injured knee. It's definitely looking like we will not be dancing beneath the stars on our anniversary anytime soon...he can barely walk much the less dance. Vacations, travel, and fun seem to be seeping out of my life while I fight to keep us all in the game.
When will it end? Why every day do I hear the echo in my head of my in-laws, "This is all YOUR fault!"? How much guilt am I supposed to feel for wanting to have a normal life? And when does it end? How do I get through this? How do I manage to keep the world spinning? Why does it all fall on MY shoulders? What did I ever do?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Inner Demons, Outer Struggles
Sometimes when things start going better there is the overwhelming urge to brace for the next downward swoop.
Logic and prior experience tell us to gear up now.
But then we completely miss the good times. We miss when the meds are working well...when the doctor's appointments are few. We miss the fun times with family as we go on self-preservation mode of constantly micromanaging just "in case".
If we can't enjoy the good times, what on earth are we hanging in through the bad times for???
SO many spouses come to me desperate for answers and while I can't tell you that I have them all (because I'm not that big of a liar)...I CAN tell you that if you can't let go and enjoy the good days then you are fighting for NOTHING.
It may be a good hour. It may be a good day...maybe a week.
Maybe you finally cracked the code and it's long term.
Maybe you didn't.
But if you can't enjoy the times when it's good....
Why are you fighting in the first place?
Logic and prior experience tell us to gear up now.
But then we completely miss the good times. We miss when the meds are working well...when the doctor's appointments are few. We miss the fun times with family as we go on self-preservation mode of constantly micromanaging just "in case".
If we can't enjoy the good times, what on earth are we hanging in through the bad times for???
SO many spouses come to me desperate for answers and while I can't tell you that I have them all (because I'm not that big of a liar)...I CAN tell you that if you can't let go and enjoy the good days then you are fighting for NOTHING.
It may be a good hour. It may be a good day...maybe a week.
Maybe you finally cracked the code and it's long term.
Maybe you didn't.
But if you can't enjoy the times when it's good....
Why are you fighting in the first place?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Realizations
Tonight I was watching a favorite musical of mine and like a ton of bricks it hit me over the head that my life is never going to be the same.
I'm wasting my time and energy trying to keep things appearing normal because they are never going to be normal again. I will never have the life I imagined for myself. I can't get it back. No matter how hard I try this is never going to change and trying to change it is, at the very least futile, at the worst, stupid.
Trying to make life "pretty" isn't going to work...putting a new coat of paint on crap still leaves it as crap. Nights like this I just want to give up the fight and let PTSD and TBI win. I just want to give up.
I'm wasting my time and energy trying to keep things appearing normal because they are never going to be normal again. I will never have the life I imagined for myself. I can't get it back. No matter how hard I try this is never going to change and trying to change it is, at the very least futile, at the worst, stupid.
Trying to make life "pretty" isn't going to work...putting a new coat of paint on crap still leaves it as crap. Nights like this I just want to give up the fight and let PTSD and TBI win. I just want to give up.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Life Happens
Sometimes when you least expect it, life will either hand you a pile of rubies and diamonds or well, a pile of something else.
Lately our pile has been rather mixes. DH is still struggling with migraines, PTSD, TBI, etc. But he is/was in physical therapy and doing well. We're waiting for approval for him to continue in physical therapy. We're also still waiting for our disability and compensation claim. I'm starting to wonder if there will ever again be a time when I'm not waiting for the government to do something.
Most of the house (minus me! yay) is sick with some kind of a cold bug. They'll all be fine but they're not very happy.
As for me, well, I'm just plugging along and doing what I do. Thanks for being out there and listening tonight...and thanks for being who you are, an American, and supporting our soldiers after they come home.
Lately our pile has been rather mixes. DH is still struggling with migraines, PTSD, TBI, etc. But he is/was in physical therapy and doing well. We're waiting for approval for him to continue in physical therapy. We're also still waiting for our disability and compensation claim. I'm starting to wonder if there will ever again be a time when I'm not waiting for the government to do something.
Most of the house (minus me! yay) is sick with some kind of a cold bug. They'll all be fine but they're not very happy.
As for me, well, I'm just plugging along and doing what I do. Thanks for being out there and listening tonight...and thanks for being who you are, an American, and supporting our soldiers after they come home.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Fear
Fear is the worst of feelings.
There is quite simply nothing worse than the fear of the unknown.
And yet, it is where we live almost constantly.
There is quite simply nothing worse than the fear of the unknown.
And yet, it is where we live almost constantly.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Update!
Things have been absolutely INSANE here recently! And for a very good reason.
DH is now actively getting treatment for his PTSD again and we are now battling the diagnosis of TBI Monster.
For more information on what is happening with DH, please visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeffreyhummert
On a personal note, I have also recently had to walk into help for myself. This journey has been difficult but necessary. I will be sharing more about this with all of you soon...
Heather
DH is now actively getting treatment for his PTSD again and we are now battling the diagnosis of TBI Monster.
For more information on what is happening with DH, please visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeffreyhummert
On a personal note, I have also recently had to walk into help for myself. This journey has been difficult but necessary. I will be sharing more about this with all of you soon...
Heather
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