Sometimes it's not about "the big stuff". Sometimes it truly is about "the little things". I've been struggling emotionally lately and as someone who has frequently battled with depression and especially postpartum depression I'm trying to dig myself back out of that hole once again.
I've been rather weepy lately and because
my wonderful husband is home he's noticed and is concerned. Today after
catching me crying again he confronted me and asked what he can do to
help it stop. I'd voiced concerns about all my frustrations regarding
our new business the other day so I told him "I already told you" and he
insisted I tell him again.
I finally got up the nerve to say it. "I want to get a haircut."
would have thought I wanted to tell him I wanted to move to Mars with
the look on his face. He was completely lost. His first question when
he found words is, "What does that have to do with the list of other
stuff you told me is wrong?"
Well, he asked so I took
the liberty of informing him. "If the business doesn't get going, we
don't have the money for us to spend on anything extra, much the less on
haircuts. I spend every dime that comes to me as frugally as I can
getting clothes for the kids, curriculum, and other necessities. I
don't spend money on me. I don't even take the time to enjoy a shower
on a regular basis - I'm in and out in under 30 seconds. It's just not a
luxury mothers have. All I'm asking is for a haircut without the kids
there. I want a few minutes where I don't have to do for everyone else
where just for a few minutes, I can think about me. I want to be able
to spend $20 on a haircut without feeling guilty."
Care to guess how well that went? Not well. I ended up getting yelled at because I was worrying him sick over a haircut.
I tried to explain again. And again. And again.
subject is still left hanging in the air. Not "go ahead and get your
hair done later this week." Not "why don't you go on payday?" Not "set
up an appointment for when you want to go."
Just silence and frustration. He can't understand why I want a haircut - my first in 11 months. I can't understand why he can't understand when he just dropped $1,000 on his company in the past week why I would want to go and spend $20 on a haircut.