Minor Rant

My heart is heavy and my head is sore...yet still I rage on.

Schooling? Well, that's been sitting on a side burner with the "summer excuse" despite the fact that we're normally a "year round" family.

DH? That's yet another mess I have yet to wrap my head around that's causing schooling to fall to the wayside. I need to get him better again before I lose my mind.

I'm quickly coming to realization that many of my dreams are likely not going to be coming true in the near future. My plans to leave here in 3 years when we arrived are officially shattered. The goal of having a renewal of vows for our 10th wedding anniversary in 2 years is also flying out the window as I watch DH's health deteriorate before my eyes.

So many dreams...childish dreams really...and there they all go. I'm not sure if we will ever be able to tour on his Harley with his injured knee. It's definitely looking like we will not be dancing beneath the stars on our anniversary anytime soon...he can barely walk much the less dance. Vacations, travel, and fun seem to be seeping out of my life while I fight to keep us all in the game.

When will it end? Why every day do I hear the echo in my head of my in-laws, "This is all YOUR fault!"? How much guilt am I supposed to feel for wanting to have a normal life? And when does it end? How do I get through this? How do I manage to keep the world spinning? Why does it all fall on MY shoulders? What did I ever do?

Inner Demons, Outer Struggles

Sometimes when things start going better there is the overwhelming urge to brace for the next downward swoop.

Logic and prior experience tell us to gear up now.

But then we completely miss the good times. We miss when the meds are working well...when the doctor's appointments are few. We miss the fun times with family as we go on self-preservation mode of constantly micromanaging just "in case".

If we can't enjoy the good times, what on earth are we hanging in through the bad times for???

SO many spouses come to me desperate for answers and while I can't tell you that I have them all (because I'm not that big of a liar)...I CAN tell you that if you can't let go and enjoy the good days then you are fighting for NOTHING.

It may be a good hour. It may be a good day...maybe a week.

Maybe you finally cracked the code and it's long term.

Maybe you didn't.

But if you can't enjoy the times when it's good....


Why are you fighting in the first place?

Realizations

Tonight I was watching a favorite musical of mine and like a ton of bricks it hit me over the head that my life is never going to be the same.

I'm wasting my time and energy trying to keep things appearing normal because they are never going to be normal again. I will never have the life I imagined for myself. I can't get it back. No matter how hard I try this is never going to change and trying to change it is, at the very least futile, at the worst, stupid.

Trying to make life "pretty" isn't going to work...putting a new coat of paint on crap still leaves it as crap. Nights like this I just want to give up the fight and let PTSD and TBI win. I just want to give up.

Life Happens

Sometimes when you least expect it, life will either hand you a pile of rubies and diamonds or well, a pile of something else.

Lately our pile has been rather mixes. DH is still struggling with migraines, PTSD, TBI, etc. But he is/was in physical therapy and doing well. We're waiting for approval for him to continue in physical therapy. We're also still waiting for our disability and compensation claim. I'm starting to wonder if there will ever again be a time when I'm not waiting for the government to do something.

Most of the house (minus me! yay) is sick with some kind of a cold bug. They'll all be fine but they're not very happy.

As for me, well, I'm just plugging along and doing what I do. Thanks for being out there and listening tonight...and thanks for being who you are, an American, and supporting our soldiers after they come home.

Fear

Fear is the worst of feelings.

There is quite simply nothing worse than the fear of the unknown.

And yet, it is where we live almost constantly.

Update!

Things have been absolutely INSANE here recently! And for a very good reason.

DH is now actively getting treatment for his PTSD again and we are now battling the diagnosis of TBI Monster.

For more information on what is happening with DH, please visit www.caringbridge.org/visit/jeffreyhummert

On a personal note, I have also recently had to walk into help for myself. This journey has been difficult but necessary. I will be sharing more about this with all of you soon...

Heather

Obama's Surgeon General Pick.

You have GOT to be kidding me. It's perfectly okay to elect a president who smokes, but not okay for him to pick a surgeon general because of her weight!?!?!?! Let's take a look at what REALLY matters here. Her credentials are AMAZING, far better than ANY surgeon general in recent history. She has a genuine concern for the American people AND is able to understand America's obesity epidemic FIRSTHAND. We're not asking about her eating and exercise habits (valid question as many eat fairly healthy and exercise regularly and still can't lose the weight) or her overall health (other factors that would determine her "fitness" for the office) but we are arguing over her weight. There are FAR more destructive things a surgeon general could be that would shorten his/her life, such as a habitual drinker, lack of exercise, etc. Let's worry about what really matters - will she actually SERVE the American people in her position???? I think the answer to that is YES.

http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/07/16/should-health-officials-have-to-be-healthy/26#c20259437