I'm so done right now.
Family is visiting for the 4th and family birthdays. DH is off the cuff upset at me, them, everyone.
They're piling the guilt on me. He's piling the guilt on me.
I've had 4 hours of sleep because I'm so torn up by this - I hate to see how tonight goes.
Now he's in full PTSD blow out and saying he's moving out.
I give up.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Caught in Nature's Crosshairs
So I'm wanting to begin a walking routine. I waited until Spring finally arrived and then for the flooding to recede. Now I'm stuck with another pair of problems that are not very practical and will not resolve themselves until late fall.
If I walk north, which is my normal preference, I am faced with the likely possibility of meeting up with a coyote or wolf. If I walk south, I am faced with the even more likely possibility of a close encounter with a rattlesnake.
There is no way to go east or west.
So I am trapped in the middle. Wanting very much to go out for a walk. Stuck and afraid to go out to the yard to garden much the less leave the property. I suppose I could walk the "safe" area in circles...but walking up and down the same road makes one look a bit like a potential case for Bellevue...and that's generally an impression I strive to avoid whenever possible.
So now with rising gas prices I'm stuck between get a gym membership and drive 30 min. to town just to be able to walk OR save up and purchase something I can easily walk on at home with the $$ that would have gone to the gym membership. I'm thinking the latter will be the better choice in the long run. *sigh*
If I walk north, which is my normal preference, I am faced with the likely possibility of meeting up with a coyote or wolf. If I walk south, I am faced with the even more likely possibility of a close encounter with a rattlesnake.
There is no way to go east or west.
So I am trapped in the middle. Wanting very much to go out for a walk. Stuck and afraid to go out to the yard to garden much the less leave the property. I suppose I could walk the "safe" area in circles...but walking up and down the same road makes one look a bit like a potential case for Bellevue...and that's generally an impression I strive to avoid whenever possible.
So now with rising gas prices I'm stuck between get a gym membership and drive 30 min. to town just to be able to walk OR save up and purchase something I can easily walk on at home with the $$ that would have gone to the gym membership. I'm thinking the latter will be the better choice in the long run. *sigh*
Monday, May 30, 2011
Memorial Day 2011
It's painful sometimes for our family to get through these days. To remember the friends we have lost - those who gave their all so that my husband could come home. I am eternally grateful to them for their sacrifices.
I have cried and more funerals and memorial services than I would care to remember and this day always brings that back to the forefront of my mind...especially the last one. Holding my husband's hand while he stood on crutches in the front pew of the chapel for the man who literally took his place.
I celebrate his memory. I celebrate the gift he gave me in having a father for our infant son, a husband to love.
I celebrate the memory of the man who threw himself on a grenade for my grandfather in the Pacific during World War II so that I would have precious memories of an amazing man who taught me how to ride a bike and build a small engine block.
I celebrate their willingness and the willingness of millions of others to fulfill John 15:13 on a very intimate level. "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. "
I have cried and more funerals and memorial services than I would care to remember and this day always brings that back to the forefront of my mind...especially the last one. Holding my husband's hand while he stood on crutches in the front pew of the chapel for the man who literally took his place.
I celebrate his memory. I celebrate the gift he gave me in having a father for our infant son, a husband to love.
I celebrate the memory of the man who threw himself on a grenade for my grandfather in the Pacific during World War II so that I would have precious memories of an amazing man who taught me how to ride a bike and build a small engine block.
I celebrate their willingness and the willingness of millions of others to fulfill John 15:13 on a very intimate level. "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. "
Sunday, January 2, 2011
30 Days of Truth - Day 4
Apologies for that sabbatical. My computer tried to explode. Actually, someone gave it a very nasty virus and unlike me, that cannot be cured with herbals and sleep.
Moving forward.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Oy. Umm... Originally I had said I don't have anything I can think of that I need to forgive someone for...but sadly, in the past few days, I do.
Time away from the computer when you live in the sticks means LOTS of time to contemplate your life, where you stand, what you're doing, and what you need to change. Sometimes with change people are inevitably hurt. When someone passes through a depression phase, many suffer. Some don't suffer quietly, one in particular.
I need to apologize to my wonderful husband. I love him so much and what follows is my unending forgiveness.
I forgive you for having an awful month. I forgive you for being, quite frankly, overbearing and nearly impossible to live with. I know it was beyond your control in some ways due to the PTSD and TBI and I know my horrid attitude didn't help. I forgive you for all the things that went wrong and I'm so immensely grateful that you have turned so quick to salvaging the situation.
I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. That will NEVER CHANGE...NO MATTER WHAT.
Moving forward.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Oy. Umm... Originally I had said I don't have anything I can think of that I need to forgive someone for...but sadly, in the past few days, I do.
Time away from the computer when you live in the sticks means LOTS of time to contemplate your life, where you stand, what you're doing, and what you need to change. Sometimes with change people are inevitably hurt. When someone passes through a depression phase, many suffer. Some don't suffer quietly, one in particular.
I need to apologize to my wonderful husband. I love him so much and what follows is my unending forgiveness.
I forgive you for having an awful month. I forgive you for being, quite frankly, overbearing and nearly impossible to live with. I know it was beyond your control in some ways due to the PTSD and TBI and I know my horrid attitude didn't help. I forgive you for all the things that went wrong and I'm so immensely grateful that you have turned so quick to salvaging the situation.
I love you. I will ALWAYS love you. That will NEVER CHANGE...NO MATTER WHAT.
Friday, December 3, 2010
30 Days of Truth - Day 3
This one is hard...not really sure why. I'm hard on myself in general. I think it's a family trait. Good is never good enough, it must be better, preferably best. I "hyper-focus" to the point of driving myself crazy. Forgiving myself is, therefore, immensely difficult.
I'm sure the list of things I need to forgive myself for is very long...I just honestly have no clue what is on it. I'm always focusing more on what I need to do for others than what I should be doing for myself - and that includes the forgiveness category.
I'm sure the list of things I need to forgive myself for is very long...I just honestly have no clue what is on it. I'm always focusing more on what I need to do for others than what I should be doing for myself - and that includes the forgiveness category.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
30 Days of Truth - Day 2
Something you love about yourself
This one is so much easier to swallow on the verbage end...yet so much more difficult to answer...
I love my eyes. They actually change color. A friend in high school called them "mood eyes". When I'm happy or neutral (their "natural" color) they are blue...the kind of blue that newborn babies eyes look like complete with a permanent grey-blue ring around the outside. When I'm angry, they turn green and according to those who have seen me REALLY ticked off, they sometimes go back to blue and pick up a purplish hue. When I'm sick, they turn grey and get lighter and lighter until it looks almost like there is no pigment there and just a ring around the iris. They're pretty cool. They also do really weird things according to optometrists that fascinates them. My photo receptors fire all at once unlike most likely everyone reading this. I also have a scar in the center of one eye on the pupil that always looks like a fresh scratch.
However, on a deeper level...which is what this is all supposed to be about anyway...
I love the following:
My sense of humor (which sometimes no one gets). It's quirky and uniquely me. I love to make people laugh - friends, family, strangers. Laughter is a universal feeling and an expression of a universal emotion...happiness. We need more happiness in this world and I do my very best to do my part in increasing our happiness quotient by adding copious amounts of laughter to the globe.
My immense ability to love and forgive. Yup - sappy time. Anyone who knows me well knows that it literally takes me hardly any time at all to get over most things. For example, recently a friend stepped over the line in asking me to do things and I was angry as hell about it. (Hint - I'm Italian...when I blow it's Mt. Vesuvius.) Less than 24 hours later, it was all good and we moved on with life. No apology was issued. None is really needed. I will gloss over it and move forward on our mutual project. He made a mistake and is human. So am I. It's all good in the long run.
(side note "It's all good" is actually the first phrase I learn in every new language I try. I can say it in 14 languages. It's such a useful phrase.)
My sheer determination to prove everyone wrong (which I think is a large part of why my marriage is successful). I'm stubborn. Like an army mule. (again, this Italian thing.) But I have to say that while I am immensely stubborn I do my very best to manifest that quality in a positive way.
I was told I would never be anything as a musician. Uh - nope. I may not be on Broadway or the radio, but the locals know and love me. And my Ave Maria is still bringing tears to eyes 15 years after I learned it.
I was told that I would never have a full and rich life as a Mom. Wow - they really missed that one. Sure, it's hard and there are days that have me running for the employment line...but I wouldn't miss this for the world. I love my son. I love homeschooling him. I love getting to be a part of those everyday moments that I cherish so much. The only thing that would make me happier in terms of being a mother is if God decides it is time for us to expand the student population.
Last, but certainly not least, I was told my marriage would never last. We had never spent more than 2 weeks together prior to being married. We had never lived together. The vast majority of our "courtship" was over the internet and phone due to a 2500 mile distance between us. Over and above that, after he was injured in Iraq, our chances of survival dropped to nearly non-existent. Abuse rates soar in PTSD and TBI marriages. It take a LOT of love, and a LOT of stubbornness, to get through those times. But here we are - 8 1/2 years later. Still married. Still love each other. Still happily together. Sure, we have our days...doesn't everyone? But we've made it this far...and we have NO intentions of turning back. :)
A common saying here?
"One of us is getting out of this marriage dead - and it isn't going to be me!!!"
This one is so much easier to swallow on the verbage end...yet so much more difficult to answer...
I love my eyes. They actually change color. A friend in high school called them "mood eyes". When I'm happy or neutral (their "natural" color) they are blue...the kind of blue that newborn babies eyes look like complete with a permanent grey-blue ring around the outside. When I'm angry, they turn green and according to those who have seen me REALLY ticked off, they sometimes go back to blue and pick up a purplish hue. When I'm sick, they turn grey and get lighter and lighter until it looks almost like there is no pigment there and just a ring around the iris. They're pretty cool. They also do really weird things according to optometrists that fascinates them. My photo receptors fire all at once unlike most likely everyone reading this. I also have a scar in the center of one eye on the pupil that always looks like a fresh scratch.
However, on a deeper level...which is what this is all supposed to be about anyway...
I love the following:
My sense of humor (which sometimes no one gets). It's quirky and uniquely me. I love to make people laugh - friends, family, strangers. Laughter is a universal feeling and an expression of a universal emotion...happiness. We need more happiness in this world and I do my very best to do my part in increasing our happiness quotient by adding copious amounts of laughter to the globe.
My immense ability to love and forgive. Yup - sappy time. Anyone who knows me well knows that it literally takes me hardly any time at all to get over most things. For example, recently a friend stepped over the line in asking me to do things and I was angry as hell about it. (Hint - I'm Italian...when I blow it's Mt. Vesuvius.) Less than 24 hours later, it was all good and we moved on with life. No apology was issued. None is really needed. I will gloss over it and move forward on our mutual project. He made a mistake and is human. So am I. It's all good in the long run.
(side note "It's all good" is actually the first phrase I learn in every new language I try. I can say it in 14 languages. It's such a useful phrase.)
My sheer determination to prove everyone wrong (which I think is a large part of why my marriage is successful). I'm stubborn. Like an army mule. (again, this Italian thing.) But I have to say that while I am immensely stubborn I do my very best to manifest that quality in a positive way.
I was told I would never be anything as a musician. Uh - nope. I may not be on Broadway or the radio, but the locals know and love me. And my Ave Maria is still bringing tears to eyes 15 years after I learned it.
I was told that I would never have a full and rich life as a Mom. Wow - they really missed that one. Sure, it's hard and there are days that have me running for the employment line...but I wouldn't miss this for the world. I love my son. I love homeschooling him. I love getting to be a part of those everyday moments that I cherish so much. The only thing that would make me happier in terms of being a mother is if God decides it is time for us to expand the student population.
Last, but certainly not least, I was told my marriage would never last. We had never spent more than 2 weeks together prior to being married. We had never lived together. The vast majority of our "courtship" was over the internet and phone due to a 2500 mile distance between us. Over and above that, after he was injured in Iraq, our chances of survival dropped to nearly non-existent. Abuse rates soar in PTSD and TBI marriages. It take a LOT of love, and a LOT of stubbornness, to get through those times. But here we are - 8 1/2 years later. Still married. Still love each other. Still happily together. Sure, we have our days...doesn't everyone? But we've made it this far...and we have NO intentions of turning back. :)
A common saying here?
"One of us is getting out of this marriage dead - and it isn't going to be me!!!"
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
30 Days of Truth - Day 1
As part of my journey, a friend recommended Em's World's 30 Days of Truth. I happen to agree with her that some time of reflection is helpful right now. So, for the next 30 days, I will blog here daily on the 30 Days of Truth. Other entries will be made separately so that those who wish to ready just these posts can find them easily and those who wish to avoid them may also do so. :)
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Response:
Wow - I try VERY hard not to use the word "hate" for rather obvious reasons. I'm a peaceful, loving person at heart and well...I just avoid that particular verb - especially when referring to other people and/or their actions. Much like in early "pre-marriage" counseling when we were told no one "always" or "nevers", I avoid "hate" for the same reason.
But, for the purpose of this exercise, I will indulge the word.
Truth be told, there are many things I hate about myself. I'm not a fan of my weight - in fact, although I've been longtime friends with these extra pounds I would be very happy if they would take a permanent vacation. I hate the fact that I am a permanent doormat and every time I seem poised to conquer that demon, another arises that forces me back into that box. I hate that I'm 5'10 and can never find anyone to dance with.
I hate the fact that I don't know how to grieve. It bothers me in ways I can't really explain. Not just grieving for the dead...I have no need to grieve for them. But I can't grieve for the other losses in life either. I never grieved after I was raped. I never grieved when my favorite grandmother became a victim of dementia. I never grieved after my husband was wounded. I often say I just don't have time but the truth is...I'm not sure I really no how. I can "cry it out" for awhile, and have with the first two I mentioned. But to truly grieve...to let myself really FEEL those emotions and process them...
I just can't.
I tried.
But I can't.
There are too many things that need to be done...too much of life that I can't miss. I am deeply afraid that if I take the time I need to grieve these things, the rest won't happen...and that's unacceptable.
So here I am. Not able to grieve and knowing I should. Truth be told, I wonder if I'm even capable of it anymore.
Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.
Response:
Wow - I try VERY hard not to use the word "hate" for rather obvious reasons. I'm a peaceful, loving person at heart and well...I just avoid that particular verb - especially when referring to other people and/or their actions. Much like in early "pre-marriage" counseling when we were told no one "always" or "nevers", I avoid "hate" for the same reason.
But, for the purpose of this exercise, I will indulge the word.
Truth be told, there are many things I hate about myself. I'm not a fan of my weight - in fact, although I've been longtime friends with these extra pounds I would be very happy if they would take a permanent vacation. I hate the fact that I am a permanent doormat and every time I seem poised to conquer that demon, another arises that forces me back into that box. I hate that I'm 5'10 and can never find anyone to dance with.
I hate the fact that I don't know how to grieve. It bothers me in ways I can't really explain. Not just grieving for the dead...I have no need to grieve for them. But I can't grieve for the other losses in life either. I never grieved after I was raped. I never grieved when my favorite grandmother became a victim of dementia. I never grieved after my husband was wounded. I often say I just don't have time but the truth is...I'm not sure I really no how. I can "cry it out" for awhile, and have with the first two I mentioned. But to truly grieve...to let myself really FEEL those emotions and process them...
I just can't.
I tried.
But I can't.
There are too many things that need to be done...too much of life that I can't miss. I am deeply afraid that if I take the time I need to grieve these things, the rest won't happen...and that's unacceptable.
So here I am. Not able to grieve and knowing I should. Truth be told, I wonder if I'm even capable of it anymore.
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