Wednesday, December 1, 2010

30 Days of Truth - Day 1

As part of my journey, a friend recommended Em's World's 30 Days of Truth. I happen to agree with her that some time of reflection is helpful right now. So, for the next 30 days, I will blog here daily on the 30 Days of Truth. Other entries will be made separately so that those who wish to ready just these posts can find them easily and those who wish to avoid them may also do so. :)

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.


Wow - I try VERY hard not to use the word "hate" for rather obvious reasons. I'm a peaceful, loving person at heart and well...I just avoid that particular verb - especially when referring to other people and/or their actions. Much like in early "pre-marriage" counseling when we were told no one "always" or "nevers", I avoid "hate" for the same reason.

But, for the purpose of this exercise, I will indulge the word.

Truth be told, there are many things I hate about myself. I'm not a fan of my weight - in fact, although I've been longtime friends with these extra pounds I would be very happy if they would take a permanent vacation. I hate the fact that I am a permanent doormat and every time I seem poised to conquer that demon, another arises that forces me back into that box. I hate that I'm 5'10 and can never find anyone to dance with.

I hate the fact that I don't know how to grieve. It bothers me in ways I can't really explain. Not just grieving for the dead...I have no need to grieve for them. But I can't grieve for the other losses in life either. I never grieved after I was raped. I never grieved when my favorite grandmother became a victim of dementia. I never grieved after my husband was wounded. I often say I just don't have time but the truth is...I'm not sure I really no how. I can "cry it out" for awhile, and have with the first two I mentioned. But to truly let myself really FEEL those emotions and process them...

I just can't.

I tried.

But I can't.

There are too many things that need to be done...too much of life that I can't miss. I am deeply afraid that if I take the time I need to grieve these things, the rest won't happen...and that's unacceptable.

So here I am. Not able to grieve and knowing I should. Truth be told, I wonder if I'm even capable of it anymore.

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