The Little Things

Sometimes it's not about "the big stuff".  Sometimes it truly is about "the little things".  I've been struggling emotionally lately and as someone who has frequently battled with depression and especially postpartum depression I'm trying to dig myself back out of that hole once again.

I've been rather weepy lately and because my wonderful husband is home he's noticed and is concerned.  Today after catching me crying again he confronted me and asked what he can do to help it stop.  I'd voiced concerns about all my frustrations regarding our new business the other day so I told him "I already told you" and he insisted I tell him again.

I finally got up the nerve to say it.  "I want to get a haircut."

You would have thought I wanted to tell him I wanted to move to Mars with the look on his face.  He was completely lost.  His first question when he found words is, "What does that have to do with the list of other stuff you told me is wrong?"

Well, he asked so I took the liberty of informing him.  "If the business doesn't get going, we don't have the money for us to spend on anything extra, much the less on haircuts.  I spend every dime that comes to me as frugally as I can getting clothes for the kids, curriculum, and other necessities.  I don't spend money on me.  I don't even take the time to enjoy a shower on a regular basis - I'm in and out in under 30 seconds.  It's just not a luxury mothers have.  All I'm asking is for a haircut without the kids there.  I want a few minutes where I don't have to do for everyone else where just for a few minutes, I can think about me.  I want to be able to spend $20 on a haircut without feeling guilty."

Care to guess how well that went?   Not well.  I ended up getting yelled at because I was worrying him sick over a haircut.

I tried to explain again.  And again.  And again.

The subject is still left hanging in the air.  Not "go ahead and get your hair done later this week."  Not "why don't you go on payday?"  Not "set up an appointment for when you want to go."

Just silence and frustration.  He can't understand why I want a haircut - my first in 11 months.  I can't understand why he can't understand when he just dropped $1,000 on his company in the past week why I would want to go and spend $20 on a haircut.

I quit.