I am done.

Tonight I am angry and bitter.  I am done.

I am done with busting my ass for everyone else and when I need a human there isn't one to be found.

I am done fighting for others when no one will step up and fight for me.

I am done being the miracle for everyone else when it feels like there is no miracles left when I need one.

I am done trying to hold my family together when there is no one left to hold me together.

I am done creating beauty in the lives of others when no one wants to put beauty back into mine.

I am done hurting.

I am done fighting.

I am done trying to fix it.

I'd say I give up, but that's not really an option.

Right now, for this moment.  For this night.  I am DONE.

And tomorrow I will pick up the pieces and start all over again.  I will make the phone calls to try and fix it and I will take the phone calls to try and help others.  Tomorrow I will be the person the world thinks I still am inside but for tonight I just can't keep pretending any longer.  I'm done.

Yes, Please

Yes, please tell me about how incredibly awful your day has been.  Tell me all about how your child didn't get picked for the team.  Tell me about how difficult it is for you to find a gym with yoga AND Zumba available.  Tell me all about the struggles you're having finding a sitter so you can have a date night on Friday because you just can't possibly miss one.

Tell me about your difficulties finding a decent laundry detergent that will get those grass stains out and your trouble finding the exact backpack your son wants for school because they sold out of them at all 3 stores near you. Tell me about how you can't find the perfect gift for your parent's anniversary and what a challenge it has been for you to get everything labelled for the back to school season.

Please, I need something to distract me from my husband being on short term disability and possibly not being able to go back to work ever.  I need something to take my mind off the fact that his doctors don't return our phone calls and no one seems to give a damn about the clock that is ticking on his being able to work.  Above all, I don't want to have the time to sit down and go over the lay statement I just had to write succinctly stating in 500 words or less how much my life SUCKS.

So go on, please.  Tell me all about how difficult your life is right now.

Realizations

We may be coming up on a time when my husband will no longer be able to work because of his disabilities.  That's a difficult thing to swallow no matter your age, but when he's only 35, that's downright near impossible.

This was NOT the plan.

So I'm doing my best to keep doing my research and plodding along until we know where we're at with the doctors and other things that are going on.  But worse than that is trying to work through my own emotions in the middle of the night because I can't mentally afford to work through them during the day when I can't have 5 minutes to myself.

I was talking to a dear friend tonight and oddly we were discussing our love for swimming laps.  I said something I'd never considered before.  "Let me get in the pool and leave me ALONE."  I've been a lap swimmer since before there were 2 digits to my age.  It had never dawned on me until tonight that there's a reason I absolutely LOVE swimming laps - I get to be ALONE.

Alone isn't something I get often.  Between a 15 month old baby, a 10 year old I homeschool, and now a veteran that's with me 24/7 unless he's sleeping, alone is something I've come to cherish.

It also pegged why I get SO annoyed when other people invite themselves to workout with me or suggest working out together.  This whole "do it as a team" thing doesn't really work that hot for me.  Why?  Because for the love of God, I WANT TO BE ALONE.

I don't need anyone else's drama unloading on me while they're next to me on a treadmill or 15 kids at the park making fun of my son in the middle of my "workout walk" that I brought both kids on because I didn't have an option and of course we had to stop at the park because this town only has 10 streets and 2 of them have parks on them.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and get ready to go visit a friend.  I have to take the baby with because, well, he's the baby.  But I think when I'm done talking with her I'm going to bring my stroller and put the baby in it and just go be as close to alone as I can get for a good hour. 

I spent 3 days just the baby and I at the end of July.  I was better for it.  I love that everyone wants to help support me and be there for me but sometimes, a girl just wants to be left alone.

Is This The First Day of the Rest of My Life?

3 days ago may have been the first day of the rest of my life.  I don't know for certain, but I do know this.

1. My husband is now out on short term medical leave due to his debilitating migraines.
2. Treatment for them may or may not be effective as we've already spent 6 months trying to fix this.
3. There is a significant possibility that he may not be able to return to his job if they cannot be controlled.


So....yeah.  Today we spoke with the VSO and our FRC trying to figure out where we go from here.  2 more C&Ps are going to be filed on Monday which will most likely increase his disability rating since one of them has never been reviewed and the other hasn't been reviewed in nearly 5 years and is not improving either.

I'm slowly coming to terms with what my life may look like in the next few months.  I think I'm okay with it but honestly right now I'm just overwhelmed and concerned with the long term affect this will have on his mental health.

Meal Planning = Let the Chaos Commence!

For the next 3 weeks I am going to be doing my VERY best to NOT have to grocery shop.  The good news is I keep a VERY full pantry and deep freezer at all times.  My reward for being a good girl is going to be getting to restock with a TON of new stuff after this is over and we'll get the opportunity to put our emergency food plan to the test - plus, it's really time to go through most of what's there and replenish so basically this is God saying, "get off your butt and clean out the pantry". :)

I am allowing myself to purchase the following:

Milk, Cheese, and yogurt
Fresh Veggies and Fruits (primarily through Bountiful Baskets)
Frozen Veggies (because I know I don't have enough!)
Sandwich bread and tortillas (all other bread products will be handmade!)
Juice (because I am not that ambitious)
Soda (because otherwise there will be mass rebellion)
Meat (if ABSOLUTELY needed - otherwise using up what's in the freezer)

That's it.  Everything else will be coming from my pantry. Here is the menu plan for the first week.  All of the products needed I already have on hand with the exception of what's needed for May 5, I'm out of tortilla shells and will purchase those on Saturday when I go in to pick up my basket from town. :)




This REALLY cool meal planning sheet was made by my fabulous friend Pam.  She gets 100% of the credit on that one. :)

It just goes on and on

What does the wife of a PTSD/TBI veteran need more than an unexpected, unplanned, less than 48 hours notice "business trip" 200 miles from her home?  The next 24 hours entailed packing the suitcases, caring for one kid sick with the flu, cleaning the car, fueling the car and trying to keep the baby happy.

Morning dawns on the third day.  Feed the baby.  Baby gets big brother's flu.  I can't stay home because the only way to get to where my husband is going is by driving through the mountains and his chronic migraines leave him unable to drive and he can't miss this meeting because it's required.  Alas, the show must go on.  Say a quick prayer for my sanity and the baby to not decide to christen the interior of my Jeep.

Hubby comes home and goes to sleep so I turn on coverage of "PopeWatch 2013" and hang out while finishing packing clothes, charging electronics, and such.  Pope Francis I was elected at 12:10 our time.  We were still home so we decided to stick around until he made his first appearance.  It's the first new Pope my son will remember.  Honestly, I'm glad we waited.  It was the highlight of my day.

Pope Francis is announced to the world and my husband, ironically the cradle Catholic of the family shoos us out within seconds of him leaving the balcony.  Load the kids up, say another quick prayer, get in the car and get on the road. 

We made it 30 miles before our first set back, big brother having some motion sickness issues due to recently getting over the flu.  Fresh air and some peppermint drops solved the dilemma and onward we went. Arrive at destination 6 hours later taking pictures the whole way at 65 mph out the car window. I remember when I loved my hobby of photography.  I've seriously considered starting a blog while taking these photos called "Photography at 65 MPH" since those are the only photos I take anymore.  Oddly I'm getting rather good at it.

Spend the next 2 hours listening to a conference call for my husband's side business and try to follow the conversation so when he's confused later I can help sort out the issues.  Fortunately his partners know he has TBI and work with me to help.  They like him enough and find him a valuable asset to embrace the crazy that is our world.  I thank God for them daily.

Dinner at 8:30 PM in a nice restaurant.  Great plan with a 10 month old...who comes up with these ideas?  Spent most of the meal pacing around the restaurant until we left and headed back to the hotel where I got to deal with the older one crying because he didn't get to go swimming like I promised.  *sigh*  I hate broken promises.  I absolutely despise them.  There is nothing I hate more than breaking a promise to my child.

Listen to husband ramble for 3 hours about the conference call and try to direct traffic and individual phone calls from various business partners because today wasn't already enough of a challenge, no.  We had to add one partner going crazy on the others to the pile of hurdles I needed to navigate today. Gee, thanks. 

Midnight arrives, I finally get the baby to sleep around the hubbub, and off to bed we go.  Quiet prayers while he's snoring in my ear - oddly enough I don't mind.  He's back to working nights so I'd kind of missed his snoring while I pray.  It's kind of become like an accompaniment.  It may not be a concert hall at the Vatican, but it's certainly better than praying alone every night. 

Baby wakes up at 5:20 - what cruel joke is this?  And he wants to play.  Now.  Load him up in the car to help maintain the peace and drive to McDonald's so I can get some caffeine in my system and allow me to survive the day.  Decide since I'm up to see the sun rise over the mountains I might as well enjoy it.  I grabbed my camera and found a place to park and took about 100 photos of different angles as the sun rose over the mountains.  Honestly it was an amazing experience - and probably the first photos I didn't take at 65 MPH in years.

Pull the car back into my parking spot at the hotel.  Got out and opened the back door of my Jeep in time to find out the baby still had the flu.  Fun fun fun.  Clean the car, clean the seat, wrap the baby in a blanket and head back into the hotel - but I forgot my key.  Walk around the hotel to the front desk and try to prove I am his wife because he didn't put me on the room.  Get back upstairs, bathe the baby and find out older son failed to pack baby's extra clothes he was given three times to put in suitcase.

SCREAM that TBI life sucks when you're the only person over the age of 1 in the house who doesn't have it.

Back to business - no clothes left for the baby.  Everything has been christened in one way or another since we left the house.  I don't even have a clean blanket left to wrap him in that I own.  Decide to let him hang out in a towel and a diaper while I contemplate where to go from here.

Took me about an hour in my sleep deprived state but eventually I remembered I'd bought pajamas the day before on clearance at the store when I went to grab the baby's forgotten socks.  Perfect!  Send my oldest down to grab them from the car and suit up for the day ahead. 

Driving in circles, conference calls, meetings, trying to calm my husband down, trying to explain that no one is trying to screw him over (and praying they actually aren't).

All this to arrive home and find out his therapy appointment for tomorrow has been cancelled (gee, thanks) and that our dog sitter apparently forgot to let the dogs out before we got home.  Ah well, life happens.  Pray about it and move on.

Today

Today has circled around my role in leadership and what I do. In times of both struggle and triumph, I often turn to the beautiful words of Rudyard Kipling.

"If"

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!