I am done.

Tonight I am angry and bitter.  I am done.

I am done with busting my ass for everyone else and when I need a human there isn't one to be found.

I am done fighting for others when no one will step up and fight for me.

I am done being the miracle for everyone else when it feels like there is no miracles left when I need one.

I am done trying to hold my family together when there is no one left to hold me together.

I am done creating beauty in the lives of others when no one wants to put beauty back into mine.

I am done hurting.

I am done fighting.

I am done trying to fix it.

I'd say I give up, but that's not really an option.

Right now, for this moment.  For this night.  I am DONE.

And tomorrow I will pick up the pieces and start all over again.  I will make the phone calls to try and fix it and I will take the phone calls to try and help others.  Tomorrow I will be the person the world thinks I still am inside but for tonight I just can't keep pretending any longer.  I'm done.

Yes, Please

Yes, please tell me about how incredibly awful your day has been.  Tell me all about how your child didn't get picked for the team.  Tell me about how difficult it is for you to find a gym with yoga AND Zumba available.  Tell me all about the struggles you're having finding a sitter so you can have a date night on Friday because you just can't possibly miss one.

Tell me about your difficulties finding a decent laundry detergent that will get those grass stains out and your trouble finding the exact backpack your son wants for school because they sold out of them at all 3 stores near you. Tell me about how you can't find the perfect gift for your parent's anniversary and what a challenge it has been for you to get everything labelled for the back to school season.

Please, I need something to distract me from my husband being on short term disability and possibly not being able to go back to work ever.  I need something to take my mind off the fact that his doctors don't return our phone calls and no one seems to give a damn about the clock that is ticking on his being able to work.  Above all, I don't want to have the time to sit down and go over the lay statement I just had to write succinctly stating in 500 words or less how much my life SUCKS.

So go on, please.  Tell me all about how difficult your life is right now.

Realizations

We may be coming up on a time when my husband will no longer be able to work because of his disabilities.  That's a difficult thing to swallow no matter your age, but when he's only 35, that's downright near impossible.

This was NOT the plan.

So I'm doing my best to keep doing my research and plodding along until we know where we're at with the doctors and other things that are going on.  But worse than that is trying to work through my own emotions in the middle of the night because I can't mentally afford to work through them during the day when I can't have 5 minutes to myself.

I was talking to a dear friend tonight and oddly we were discussing our love for swimming laps.  I said something I'd never considered before.  "Let me get in the pool and leave me ALONE."  I've been a lap swimmer since before there were 2 digits to my age.  It had never dawned on me until tonight that there's a reason I absolutely LOVE swimming laps - I get to be ALONE.

Alone isn't something I get often.  Between a 15 month old baby, a 10 year old I homeschool, and now a veteran that's with me 24/7 unless he's sleeping, alone is something I've come to cherish.

It also pegged why I get SO annoyed when other people invite themselves to workout with me or suggest working out together.  This whole "do it as a team" thing doesn't really work that hot for me.  Why?  Because for the love of God, I WANT TO BE ALONE.

I don't need anyone else's drama unloading on me while they're next to me on a treadmill or 15 kids at the park making fun of my son in the middle of my "workout walk" that I brought both kids on because I didn't have an option and of course we had to stop at the park because this town only has 10 streets and 2 of them have parks on them.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and get ready to go visit a friend.  I have to take the baby with because, well, he's the baby.  But I think when I'm done talking with her I'm going to bring my stroller and put the baby in it and just go be as close to alone as I can get for a good hour. 

I spent 3 days just the baby and I at the end of July.  I was better for it.  I love that everyone wants to help support me and be there for me but sometimes, a girl just wants to be left alone.

Is This The First Day of the Rest of My Life?

3 days ago may have been the first day of the rest of my life.  I don't know for certain, but I do know this.

1. My husband is now out on short term medical leave due to his debilitating migraines.
2. Treatment for them may or may not be effective as we've already spent 6 months trying to fix this.
3. There is a significant possibility that he may not be able to return to his job if they cannot be controlled.


So....yeah.  Today we spoke with the VSO and our FRC trying to figure out where we go from here.  2 more C&Ps are going to be filed on Monday which will most likely increase his disability rating since one of them has never been reviewed and the other hasn't been reviewed in nearly 5 years and is not improving either.

I'm slowly coming to terms with what my life may look like in the next few months.  I think I'm okay with it but honestly right now I'm just overwhelmed and concerned with the long term affect this will have on his mental health.